Great Expectations: When God’s Plan isn’t What I Expected

Here I sit in a pool of tears and unsatisfaction wondering where I go from here.  My life has not turned out the way that I had planned.  I was supposed to graduate with high honors and go on to an amazing junior Ivy League college in a city far from the small town that I had called home from the age of 7.  How fitting is it that I am back in that tiny town where it all started.  How did I end up purchasing a style of home that I don’t care for in a town that felt like a back woods “hillbilly” prison for so many years?  I had such great plans for my life.  I was going to get my degree and work in the U.N. as a diplomat changing the world on a huge scale.  I was going to be important, someone to look up to, and someone that little girls aspire to be.  And here I sit: sad and over weight with low self esteem flooded with disappointment at a missed opportunity.

 

What I failed to see in my moment of temporary sadness and self pity was that I am in the process of fulfilling my dreams, just on a drastically different stage that I had planned.  I have two little boys that I have been given who think that I hung the moon. To my boys I am a mythical creature that makes their dreams come true.  I can fix any toy, mend any shirt, create their dream room complete with pirate curtains.  I can fix any scraped knee or sliced open head wound.  I am forgetting that I am their hero.  The time that I spend in my dirty, tight fitting, stained clothes playing on the floor with them is time that I am shaping another human being.  I may not change the world by finding the solution to world peace or the cure for cancer but I may be raising a child that will.  The time that I am investing in my two crazy boys is time well spent. 

 

 

This life didn’t happen to me, I chose it.  And I continue to choose it over and over again because I believe in the vision.  I want my children to have the idyllic picture of a peaceful child hood characterized by a spacious yard with plenty of woods to explore and a tree fort that may be just a bit too high in the air, with a Mom who is always just a holler away.  This “hillbilly” town that felt like my own personal prison as a child is the perfect place to raise my rumbustious boys.  It may have felt like my own worst nightmare but it’s my husband dream location and it is quickly becoming mine as well.

 

I chose to put my dreams and aspirations on hold so that I could be here for my boys.  I want them to have the security and comfort in their childhood that I didn’t have.  I want my boys to know that their parents will be at every game, every play.  We won’t miss a single event that is important to them.  When they look back at their growing up years they aren’t going to remember that Mommy was overweight; they are going to remember being cuddled in my soft comfy arms and resting their heads on my squishy belly.  They aren’t going to remember the piles of unfolded clean laundry that migrated from the bed to the couch and back; they are going to remember the epic blanket forts we built using that clean laundry as walls. 

 

 

I believe with all of my heart that my life is richer and more beautiful just the way it is than it ever could have been had I followed the path that I had set for my life.  It is this belief that keeps me going when I want to throw in the towel and run away.   I have this little sign in my bathroom that reads “We plan God laughs”.  How true is that statement?!  I have my plans for my life but I can always trust that God’s plans are far more beautiful than mine ever could have been.

 

I was looking for the world and others to validate me, to look up to me.  In that moment I had bought into the lie that I need others to approve of my life and my achievements in order to gain a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  I wasn’t looking for those same accolades in my dirty yoga pants that are a size too small with my messy bun perched atop my head.  I thought I had to be thin, beautiful and decked out in a power suit to be valuable.  I am someone that little girls should want to aspire to be.  I am a devoted mother and a loving wife.  It’s high time that we stop letting our children believe that they have to be high powered, professional work-a-holics in order to be valuable.  No matter the direction we point our life we can make a difference and what we are doing is important, even if it feels mundane and boring.  Our lives don’t have to be shiny and glittery to be relevant.

 

 

Instead of working my hardest to be exceptional in the season that I’m in I am focusing on all the selfish ways that I want to gain recognition.  Have you ever heard the saying “bloom where you are planted”?  It’s a cliché for a reason.  I want to bloom where I’m planted.  Heck I may be a weed, but I am going to be the biggest most beautiful weed there ever was!  I am committing to bloom where I am planted; you too can make this commitment.  What great expectation do you have to let go of so that you can begin to grow and embrace the life that you are living right now? Are you ready to join me to embrace contentment?

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Welcome to Living Broken Together!

Hi, I’m Deidrah, just an average woman navigating the craziness that is motherhood and being a stay at home wife.  My husband Jon and I just celebrated our 8-year anniversary in June.  Now here is where I wish I could say that they were the most magical and bliss filled 8 years of my life, but I’ve decided that I’m going to be raw and open with you.   Don’t get me wrong my husband and I love each other dearly, but marriage is hard work!  I was naive enough when we first got married at 18 and 19 years old that I thought melding two lives, bringing two souls together in the covenant of marriage was going to be a beautiful constant state of joyful contentment.  As you can see my standards were completely realistic….We have had our beautiful moments of becoming one, where compromise came naturally and we were both doing our best to look out for the other’s best interests, but we have had just as many not so beautiful moments that can be better characterized by stubborn selfishness.  Learning to be a God honoring wife will be a continual journey for me.

 

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Jon and I this past summer at my                      girlfriend’s wedding.

 

God has blessed my husband and I with two beautiful little boys.  Our oldest Landon is our creative, passionate 6- year old helper.  He is continually coming up with these amazing popsicle stick creations that baffle my mind.  Our youngest, Kolton has boundless amounts of energy.  He is constantly finding ways to climb just high enough on our furniture to send me into cardiac arrest.  He daily challenges me to seek God’s provision of strength just to keep up with him.

 

So now that I’ve told you all about the amazing people who have given me the privilege of being called Mom and wife, I guess I should share a little about myself and why I’m here at Living Broken Together.  This bog has been born out of a deep need to be here for other women in a way that isn’t readily available online. 

 

If I just left off with telling you about my wonderful little boys and my husband who challenges me to be a more Christ like woman, you would walk away thinking that my life was pretty low key, that I was just another Mom taking to her blog as a way to give her brain a workout.  My story is a bit more complicated than that.

 

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          My youngest Kolton

 

I was born to two teen parents; my mother was 18 and my father 16 when I was born.  Being a parent is hard when you are married with a house, a career and stable income, I can’t even imagine still being a child myself and being faced with raising a very medically needy infant.  My parents did the best that they could with the skills and resources that they had and I will be forever thankful for all the effort that they made to care for and raise me. 

 

My early years were filled with instability and chaos, it seemed like we moved constantly.  A lot of my memories of the first 7 years of my life are repressed and fuzzy, but what I do know with out a shadow of a doubt was that I was taken advantage of.  At the age of 6 the superintendent or handy man who took care of our apartment complex, took an interest in me.  I began spending all my time with him.  He would build me toys, play games with me and dote on me.  He gave me the fatherly attention that I was so desperate for.  At 6 I didn’t realize just how much that attention was going to cost me.  

 

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                        Landon: My oldest

 

I didn’t share with anyone that I had been sexually abused until I met my, now husband at 17.  When we began courting I dumped all my baggage and issues on his lap for him to inspect.  I wanted him to know what he was getting himself into and that it was ok if he didn’t think he could handle it, because there were times when even I couldn’t handle it.  He assured me that he loved me and wanted to be a part of my life no matter my baggage, my past shouldn’t define me future.  Neither of us really realized the impact that my sexual abuse would have on our marriage. 

 

I am now at a point in my healing that I can see that I never really packed the trauma of being removed from my mother’s home by child protective services, or the horror of being sexually abused, or the pain of feeling abandoned by my father, securely into their boxes, hidden away in the recesses of my heart.  They are woven through every aspect of my life.  My childhood issues effect how I parent, how I interact with my husband heck it even effects what I wear and how I keep my home.

 

Living Broken Together was born out of a desire to be here for women who are walking through life with some of the same baggage that I’ve been carrying all these years.  I want to be here as a beacon of hope and encouragement.  You are not alone sweet sister!  I will walk this messy uncomfortable path with you, we can navigate the rough terrain hand in hand.  I am here to encourage and love on you when you just don’t feel like you can go on, that the weight of your abuse, neglect or abandonment is just too much to bear.  We are children of the One True King and he doesn’t want us to live as slaves to our trauma.  We are redeemed, holy and righteous, now we must start acting like we believe it!

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